CHAPTER THIRTY

"I still don't get it. One minute we were talking and the next he was dead."

"You've been through this before, Jimmy," Marcus said. "It was him or you."

Jimmy's hand turned white as he squeezed the phone with all of his might.

"No, no, I haven't. He was a cop, Marcus. He was a cop and his fucking gun was empty."

"You didn't know that at the time, Jimmy. You couldn't have known."

"That doesn't make it any easier."

"What about the department," Marcus asked. "It's been a week. Anything new from them?"

"No, they're still trying to figure out how to salvage their reputations. Election year bullshit has them tripping over themselves trying to save the day for the police commissioner."

"I wish like hell that video had been able to pick up the audio between you guys. There's still no real evidence that the Assistant Chief was involved with any of it."

"What about that other detective, the one you guys arrested in the Bronx?"

"Well," Marcus said. "I've been putting off telling you about this, but he killed himself, Jimmy."

"What? When?"

"A few days ago," Marcus replied. "Just after he heard about Ortiz."

"And what does that do for the case you guys were building?"

"What case," Marcus asked. "We've got nothing else to work with except for some phone records that show Ortiz and that Assistant Chief spoke a few times. The only physical evidence that we had was from Georginski. And, since he killed himself, we got nothing else to work with."

"Great," Jimmy said. "Everyone thinks I'm full of shit about Ortiz naming the Assistant Chief. Nobody with a shield will even look in my direction because everyone thinks I've been working with you guys all this time to expose innocent cops. Hell, most of the people who have spoken to me only did so to tell me that the Bronx guys were doing a better job of fighting crime than I ever would."

"It's a raw time, Jimmy. Most people don't have any of the facts, just locker room talk and rumors. You should know better than anyone that they're just reacting out of fear more than anything else. Shit, you were the one actually trying to preserve the honor of the NYPD."

"Yeah," Jimmy agreed. "The Assistant Chief gets a pass. Nobody knows if that last detective in the Bronx was actually involved with anything or not, so he gets a pass. And I'm being ostracized as a disgruntled officer who is attempting to make a name for himself by smearing the department because I can't measure up to my father's reputation. So, I agree, it's a pretty raw time."

"You know better than that. Politics has always been a huge part of the job. You can't let that part affect you, Jimmy."

"Can't let it affect me," Jimmy asked. "They are considering listing Ortiz as killed in the line of duty. If they do, you know damn well that will be the end of the story. That's all anyone will ever know about him or me."

"Jimmy, you're thinking too much, brother. I know it's hard, but try to put this shit out of your head for a little while. Lean on Erin, she's there for you. And I'll be over this weekend for dinner. You can get past this bullshit if you let us help."

"There are other jobs out there, other ways to make a difference, you know?"

He looked at her with all the patience of someone trying to explain something to a child. "You don't understand. I get that. But this is all that I've ever known. The law has been part of our family for three generations. Before I became a cop, everything in my life was simply another step in the process that led up to me becoming one. The day that I finally made it was literally like being born."

"But you've done other things, and did them successfully. What about your time in the military? Look at all the medals and awards that you earned. You were the best at everything when you were in that uniform," she replied.

"Maybe," he said. "But I still felt out of place every day that I was in uniform. My country needed support at the time, so I volunteered. I'm proud of my service record, but even on the day that I signed-up, I knew that it wasn't my destiny. It was only another step on my way to the inevitable — on my way to getting my shield."

"So, what is it, then? A religion? A cosmic calling that's been written in the stars? No, Jimmy. It's a job. For some reason, you believe that it's a family obligation, but in reality, it's just a choice. You've just got a fear of change, Jimmy."

"It's not that simple, babe. You think I can just walk away from my responsibilities here? Just toss aside everything I've spent my life preparing for? Just abandon all my friends and neighbors to…"

Erin cut him off. "That's bullshit, Jimmy. You're not out defending the front line all by yourself. You work with plenty of people who are trained just as well as you are and that are incredibly capable of protecting us from the wolves out there. So, stop pretending like the world will fall apart if you don't show up for work tomorrow."

"Erin, I'm not pretending anything. I know I'm not doing it all by myself. But I also know that I was, quite literally, born and bred to do just one thing."

Erin protested, "There you go, again. Trying to make this about some cosmic fate rather than it being a choice."

"Erin, it's all I've ever known. It's been the center of my existence since I was born. How else do you expect me to react?"

She sat down as her head fell into her hands. "I know what it's been to you. I just wish you had enough room and imagination in your life for other things, like a family."

"I do. I just have to balance things between what I want and the way things are."

Erin said, "Fine. But explain one thing to me. If this is so meant to be, if this is your place in the universe, then how come the universe is currently shitting all over you? They wanted to hang you out as someone that murdered a fellow police officer. That damn video that you sent to Marcus is the only thing that saved you. The department that you are so fated to serve wanted to screw you over for doing your job, Jimmy."

"That's the politicians, sweetie. The job itself is somewhere that I'm needed."

"Jimmy," Erin said. "You have people right here that need you more than the entire city of New York. How about being our hero for a change?"

Jimmy leaned back in his chair, deep in thought. They sat in silence as he stared out the window at nothing in particular. A few minutes later, he leaned forward with a smile and took her hand in his. "Ya know, that might be the best offer I've ever received. I don't know how to do anything else. I don't even know how to think about anything else. But I really do love you and want to spend my life with you. And, if that means starting over with another job, then I'm at least willing to try. The department has always been a big part of my life. But you're a much bigger part."

"I'm not asking you to choose, Jimmy. This isn't an ultimatum between me or the department. I'd never do that to you. If I did, some small part of you would hate me forever."

"I know that's not what you're asking for, sweetheart. But I'm still willing to try."